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Saturday, 19 April :: Link
“My Jewish lawyers have advised me to say that I do not support, nor would I ever actually fund, a cum assault on any sitting US Senator. These comments were said in jest and should not be taken seriously. Please do not fling anything, even cum, at Ted Cruz’s face. Thank u”
— Last night, readers of the conservative garbage heap known as Twitchy.com got very butthurt over a tweet I wrote about flinging cum on Sen. Ted Cruz’s face. So here’s the response I crafted with the help of my Jewish lawyers.
Thursday, 17 April :: Link
 Everyone is making fun of Drake for these photos, but honestly I’d act like this if I had courtside tickets to a D-League game. Wednesday, 16 April :: Link
 Tumblr is pretty chill. Anonymous asked: Do birds fuck? Or does the male bird just jizz all over the eggs after the female has laid them? Great question, anonymous. I wish I had an answer for you. I feel like your best move is to ask that question to the people at http://birdfuck.tumblr.com/, which is a real website somehow Saturday, 12 April :: Link
Anonymous asked: Your Nick Cannon memes are NOT funny. They're stereotypical and distasteful. Yeah, I know. They’re direct quotes from his stand up, idiot. Friday, 11 April :: Link
 "Please don’t make me clickbait." Thursday, 10 April :: Link
 JESUS WAS BORAT! Wednesday, 9 April :: Link
Anonymous asked: Your face looks like you just dragged in dog shit from the bottom of your shoes all over someone's white carpet at a house party. I don't know your comedy, but you look terrible. Can you please never do another interview that ends up on my Facebook feed? OK, anonymous Tuesday, 8 April :: Link
Anonymous asked: Yo, what's your favorite movie? Probably Broadcast News. Though maybe it’s The Fugitive. Sometimes it’s Michael Clayton. But definitely Hitch. |
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